Sometimes I Stare

I'm currently reading a book called, Everything You've Ever Wanted. I highly recommend reading it if you're adopting, know someone who's adopting, or maybe want to adopt someday. It's very real - the pretty and the not-so-pretty. I love the honesty. 

One of the stories she tells is about her son throwing fits every time there's a transition. This particular time, they were at a park and when she picked him up to leave, she had to pick him up in a very specific way so that he would not run away, bite, or flail out her reach. As she was performing these sort of acrobatics, a security guard came up and and asked who the child belonged to. 

As I read this, my heart broke. Obviously, from the moment we decided to adopt, I knew that my child wouldn't look like Jason or me, and honestly I'm okay with that. What hurts my heart is the fact that people won't know who my son belongs to, and it almost seems like his "belonging" reverts back his former days. It feels like if people don't realize I'm his mommy and Jason is his daddy, he'll still feel like he doesn't have a mommy or a daddy. 

In reality, I know that this probably isn't how it will be. When he's a little boy, I'll be the one who is insecure about people not realizing he belongs to me - I'll be insecure about it for him, but he probably won't even know what's going on. Our prayer is that as he gets older, he becomes confident in his identity in Christ, in our family, and in the world. 

Through thinking about these things, I've become fascinated with watching families who look like my future family. In fact the other day, I was at the happiest place on earth, Target, and realized that I was intently watching a transracial family interact with one another. After several minutes, I caught myself and realized that I probably look like a bit of a crazy person because they don't know that I'm watching them with a heart of admiration, and dreaming about the day when my family of three is walking through Target hand-in-hand. Whoops! 

So, sometimes I stare. I stare at the beauty of adoption, foster care, or orphan care. I stare because families have crossed lines and boundaries of race that were all too prevalent just 50 years ago. I stare because children now have loving homes and families. I stare because parents have beautiful children to build their family. I stare because we all belong somewhere. I stare because I cannot wait to meet the little nugget who I will belong to. Sometimes I stare.